Open Your Heart (To Manmade Perfection)

YamiJared · Post by **YamiJared** » Thu Jul 08, 2004 9:55 pm

ok everyone, unfortunately, I cannot finish my other serious fic, so I'm going to make it up to all my great readers by giving you another one, this one is a bit serious, bit fuzzy wuzzy, and a bit sci fi, enjoy (oh, and as the story goes on, you'll really like the title, it fits so well)

Chapter 1: Legacy of an Old Man

A woman and some men walked through an old dusty lab with flashlights, the woman looked to be in her early 20s, probably recently graduated from college, she had green eyes and brown hair, and big thick glasses, her name was Shion. "Huh?" Shion comes across a door that seemed fairly new, and opening it, she gasped at what she saw. "EVERYONE! Come see this!"

The Year was 2745, this was supposedly the lab of Harold Hyueck, a brilliant mind who's genius brought about a technological revolution with his ideas back in the year 2025. Supposedly his lab was destroyed a couple years after his death, but after the Confederacy found his lab buried underground, they searched it for any technology of his that was never discovered, and they found it.

The Captain of the 13th Squad scribbled something on his notepad. "Good Work, Shion, this may be the most revolutionary discovery of our age!" Shion was still in shock as they looked at the discovery before them, a tube filled with a glowing green fluid, and floating inside was a girl, no older than seven, completely white and several electrodes were connected to her, a life support system of sorts.

Shion walked up to the tube and started pressing buttons, until on an LCD screen, green letters projected "Come to the Grace of Heaven's Eternal Fantasy." Shion and the others blinked."Captain, what does that mean?" "I don't know, it must be an activation code or something." And sure enough, the fluid was draining and the electrodes snapped off. The girl inside then began to open her eyes.

"Grab her!" some of the soldiers ran up and opened the pod and grabbed the girl. Shion, meanwhile, saw a dusty old book and picked it up, flipping randomly through the pages. "hmm, this looks like Harold's diary..." she stuffed it away in her briefcase and walked over to the girl, who was beginning to become aware of her surroundings, the soldiers release the girl and Shion grabs her shoulder.

"Hey there, Sweetie, what's your name?" the girl turns to Shion and smiles. "My name is Aura." Shion blinks, she read about auras in high school, they were a feild of light that came off of living things. "Aura..the Child of Light?" The Captain scribbles something on a notepad again. "Great work, team, we secured the girl, Shion, your new assignment is to look after this girl."

Shion gasps. "Why me?" Captain scribbed something on his notepad again. "Because your perfect for the job, your a woman, so you have a natural maternal instinct, you discovered her, and she obviously has a liking to you." Shion blushes as she realizes how tightly Aura is squeezing her hand, then she can't help but smile as she sees the girl grinning. "alright, let's go home."

Everyone got into the ship as they started heading to the Space Station Base, everyone was asleep exceptfor Shion, who was looking through the diary, Aura is sleeping right next to her. Shion finds a page that interests her titled "Fragments" and she begins reading. "Emma, you were too good for this world, it was a shame the world never got to see your brilliance as a poet, but your legacy will live on, in this girl, we shall entrust her with our will, she is the proof that I truly loved you, the Shining Girl, Aura, the Child of Light. She is the key that will change this world."

Shion puts the book away and thinks about what she just read. "If this diary is accurate, Aura is over 700 years old, she's immortal, but...who's Emma?" Shion looks out the window, they'll be at the Station soon...

so, like it? hate it? love it? review ^_^

thedudewhosadude · Post by **thedudewhosadude** » Fri Jul 09, 2004 1:41 am

Hm...the idea is nice, but the structure is a tad bit awkward. First off, don't be affraid to use semicolons ( ; ) They are very useful! Also, the first sentence seems somewhat of a run-on...I'd reccomend more punctuation, such as "..an old lab with flashlights. The woman looksed to be in her..." rather than continuing the sentence. Other than that, it has a good 'feel' to it! Keep it up!

EDIT: Damn thing turned the semicolon into a smiley!

YamiJared · Post by **YamiJared** » Fri Jul 09, 2004 5:51 pm

well forget you, you know how hard it is to write a story from total scratch and worry about punctuation at the same time? be glad I'm not going all script form on you like in my humor fic

Duskino · Post by **Duskino** » Fri Jul 09, 2004 8:18 pm

YamiJared wrote:well forget you, you know how hard it is to write a story from total scratch and worry about punctuation at the same time?

Actually, grammar should be an important aspect of writing a fanfic.

Every story written came from scratch (unless you're copying or whatever; but that's beside the point).

It's not hard, that's no excuse. >_>;

YamiJared · Post by **YamiJared** » Fri Jul 09, 2004 8:58 pm

well meh to you too

I don't really care, atleast I'm not typing in leet or something

Tsukasa · Post by **Tsukasa** » Tue Jul 13, 2004 9:14 am

YamiJared wrote:well forget you, you know how hard it is to write a story from total scratch and worry about punctuation at the same time? be glad I'm not going all script form on you like in my humor fic :P

-and!-

YamiJared wrote:well meh to you too :P I don't really care, atleast I'm not typing in leet or something

...what a lovely way to respond to criticism. And I don't know how hard it is- I'm quite used to worrying about both at the same time. Perhaps you should take that and attempt to make sure that you don't make said mistakes next time. That's what criticism is for. I'd hope that's partially why people post here. Expecting such is good for a creative artist (writing, artwork, any sort of media). However, posting without expecting some sort of criticism is stupid. If you're going to make something public- they weren't rude to you in the first place, you have no right to be rude back.

Thank you. <3

Tsunami the Silver Dragon · Wed Jul 14, 2004 6:47 pm

Am I the only one on this board that prefers story line over punctuation?

At least it wasn't written in Sanskrit (5,000 year old dead lanquage).

Anyway, I'm looking forward to this story. It sounds like Harald finally mastered the ability of taking things from fantasy and making them into a reality.

YamiJared · Post by **YamiJared** » Wed Jul 14, 2004 7:39 pm

Chapter Two: Perfection's True Face

Aura...this girl...this beautiful girl...I...I failed as a father, I could not give her the future she deserved. She was too good for this world, just like her mother, it is my curse, to ruin the lives of such wonderful people, I'm a failure, because I couldn't live up to my own expectations, Aura shall never know what it means to be human...

Shion closes the book after reading another entry. "Harold, there was so much to you that no one ever knew, you created a living thing, in order to pay respects to the one that you loved, and she didn't even love you in return..." She then walks out and down the hall, and enters the white room where Aura lived, it was completely and totally white, with a bed, a teddy bear, some blocks, paper and crayons, a ball, and a computer, that was it. Aura was having a tea party with the bear, using the bed as a table and drawings of tea cups on paper, and crayons as silverware. Shion couldn't help but smile at her unique resourcefulness. "Aura, time for your tests." Aura runs up and grasps Shion's hand as they walk to the lab.

Afterwards at dinner, Shion was talking to the doctor who ran Aura's tests. Aura herself was napping, her dinner was on a tray in her room, since Shion didn't want to disturb her. "Doctor Albright, how did Aura's tests go?" Dr. Albright bites his lip lightly. "well, when I was having her read letters from afar, she did it perfectly, she has hawkeye vision. when I was testing her blood, it doesn't match up with any known blood type! Her Xrays showed that her bones are harder than steel, and she passed college level exams, not only is she a genius, but she is also genetically perfect." Shion nodded, Aura was more complicated than she thought. "Doctor, I've noticed that Aura never needs to use the bathroom, why is that? and how come her hair is white and long?" The doctor nodded. "Aura doesn't produce waste, she uses all the energy she can, and her hair, I'm not so sure, it seems that she doesn't produce pigmentation, but her brain cells die and reproduce rapidly, as if she's using them so much that it's straining her brain, but for what?"

Aura tosses and turns in her bed, as her toys start floating around the room. her food disapears slowly as Aura makes chewing motions with her mouth. Aura's hair also begins to whip around in the air and change colors, and Harold's voice is heard. "Aura, the Child of my Light, you are special, different than the rest, but you will have a better life, someone will search for my legacy, and you shall have a proper family, I failed as a father, but you can still have a chance..."

Tsukasa · Post by **Tsukasa** » Wed Jul 14, 2004 8:51 pm

Tsunami the Silver Dragon wrote:Am I the only one on this board that prefers story line over punctuation?

Mind you, grammar is a very important rule in any form of verbal communication. Without some forms of punctuation, you aren't going to convey the message you wish to send properly. English is like that people. That's why we learn it throughout school, people. If you don't take the time to learn what you should about punctuation, I don't think you're going to get too far in life, to be quite honest.

People look for that, you know.

Nevertheless, if one is looking for proofreading or critiques, then they should expect such about the story as well as grammar. 'storyline over punctuation' is a stupid excuse when punctuation is as important as it is in the English language.

Nevertheless, this is not the place for debates like this, and I don't intend to clutter up this topic with such arguments.