Hi everyone! I'm back from my little noncreative slump! unfortunately I can't get my musings I had to finish my old stories, and you would kill me if I tried, since I would ruin them, so I'll start fresh! this story is going to be Aura's side of the entire Project, since the Ultimate AI should be expanded upon, instead of being rendered an emotionless plot device T.T enjoy ^_^
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Chapter One: Aura's Awakening
Life. Color. Light.
I am Aura. I am Alive. This place I'm in, is so bright and colorful, but it seems so evil. I can't place my finger on it, but this place is not a good place! Everyone on the ground are covering their eyes. Am I glowing? I descend down to the ground and halt my glow, and the others begin looking at me directly. I observe my surroundings, which I care nothing about at the moment, just colors and rocks, and I see him, for the first time, I can see his face. He smiles, and I smile. He waves, and I wave. Tsukasa, my big brother! He's woken me up! I am forever grateful. Tsukasa! My Hero! My Savior!
I run closer, and closer, and I embrace him in my arms, as he does for me. "Tsukasa!" "RAHH! YOU WILL NOT ESCAPE! I WILL KILL YOU ALL!" Uh oh, Mother's angry! Everything is turning dark! Mommy, what did I do? What's wrong? I take Tsukasa's hand. He will protect me! Golden rings surround us as the atmosphere changes to a strange, run down city. What is this place? Who are all these people? A tan woman in red armor, a man with blue body paint, a woman with blonde hair, a man with blue hair, some sort of knight? "So this, is the Key of the Twilight?"
Key of the Twilight? Huh? Wait, this is a game, they are all players. But how do I know that? And, if this is a game, then why is this so real to me? Aren't I a player too? A big, gray monster appears, It is jagged and horrible, and it weilds a big red staff of some sort, shaped like a cross! I gasp! So many revelations are rushing through my mind!
Skeith, Death, AI, Twilight, Emma, Data Drain...What does it all mean?! Why are all these answers popping out of nowhere? What am I? One of the players, with a screenname of Helba, suddenly disconnects the...server? Yea that's it! I'm overtaken by confusion and instability, and I black out.
The Other Side isn't Green.
Moderators: Sora, Balmung, Bear, Kite
The Other Side isn't Green.
Last edited by YamiJared on Tue Sep 21, 2004 11:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Rectos Dominos
Hnn... an Aura POV. Nice idea.
Though, a few things to point out:
PARAGRAPHS! I cannot emphasize enough how -crucial- paragraphs are @__@ Not only is it easier on the eyes, but it makes it easier to read, and it's proper grammar. No book is scrunched up into one big paragraph.
Also, stories are -usually- written in past tense ^^; You keep switching between past tense and present tense. Stick to past tense, though, since it's more or less the proper way of writing.
Last but not least, -detail-! Dunno if this is the detail freak inside of me, but adding a lot more description would make this story a LOT more interesting. As I read it, things seemed to go by a little too quickly.
This is your local Grammar Picky Queen, over and out :P
Though, a few things to point out:
PARAGRAPHS! I cannot emphasize enough how -crucial- paragraphs are @__@ Not only is it easier on the eyes, but it makes it easier to read, and it's proper grammar. No book is scrunched up into one big paragraph.
Also, stories are -usually- written in past tense ^^; You keep switching between past tense and present tense. Stick to past tense, though, since it's more or less the proper way of writing.
Last but not least, -detail-! Dunno if this is the detail freak inside of me, but adding a lot more description would make this story a LOT more interesting. As I read it, things seemed to go by a little too quickly.
This is your local Grammar Picky Queen, over and out :P
I agree completely with duskino-san. You have a great potential for writing, and a great imagination. I love the Aura POV as well, rarely do you see the story through a vaguely drawn out character's eyes.
I only have a few suggestions: Try to use more of a variation of vocabulary (ex: instead of using 'ground' twice, try using 'earth'; or use an adjective to describe it, like 'hard' or 'cold' or even more such of a more creative tone like 'corrupted' or 'fragmented'). You'll find that details do bring out the full feeling of a story. Also, it never hurts to double check grammar applications.
Wonderful theme, keep it going! I look forward to the next chapter ^^.
I only have a few suggestions: Try to use more of a variation of vocabulary (ex: instead of using 'ground' twice, try using 'earth'; or use an adjective to describe it, like 'hard' or 'cold' or even more such of a more creative tone like 'corrupted' or 'fragmented'). You'll find that details do bring out the full feeling of a story. Also, it never hurts to double check grammar applications.
Wonderful theme, keep it going! I look forward to the next chapter ^^.
Last edited by Epsilon on Wed Sep 22, 2004 1:19 am, edited 1 time in total.
Yes, she is a child, and yes, she doesn't have much of an idea of what's going on during the short parts of her awakening... but she's also the next-up Ultamite AI who's supposeably pretty damn smart ^^;; (Take Zefie for example. Little kid, no idea what's going on, but she's also the next Ultamite AI and it's shown that she has a pretty high intelligence capability.)YamiJared wrote: do remember that Aura's mind is currently a child in this chapter, and she doesn't really understand much of what's going on!
^^;
Yes, your right. but Aura was bits of data put together, and to be the Ultimate AI, she had to go through the human experience of maturity, thusly, she needed to be born with a realistic intelligence level. Also, side note, Zelphi wasn't intended to be the next UAI. Aura is going to keep that position for her entire existance, being GOD of the Internet. Zelphi was just kinda there because Aura desired 1) a child and 2) to make Shugo's dream of being a hero come true!
Rectos Dominos
Critique.
All opinions aside, I think that we won't get the full interpretation of the story until the end. It may seem awkward now, but as the story progresses the things that the author is trying to imply should show through, ne? Let's save the actual critiques for the completed fanfiction. Its easier on the author to correct their writing after its all been written down and gradually planned out. No further comments from me until the end, unless you ask for them ^^. But, of course, I will be watching!
Chapter 2: Loss of Innocence.
I have woken up in Chosen Hopeless Nothingness, and I am grateful that Skeith is nowhere to be found. Apparently, Skeith is some sort of Phase. Yes, that's right. The 8 Phases are algorithm gathering programs for my development, but for some reason, Mother is angry. She has reprogrammed the Phases to hurt me! Why is this happening to me? I decide to activate a script within my programming I discovered upon my awakening, some sort of disquise!
After the new skin has loaded, I switch to a third person camera angle and observe my polygon model. My hair is now groomed, and my eyes are blue. I am also wearing some sort of purple cloak and a silver pendant shaped like the mathematical Infinity symbol. Crude and inefficient, but it will have to do for now! hopefully Mother is looking out for my old skin and won't bother checking screennames and IP addresses. Of course, knowing her, and my luck, my ruse probably won't last long.
I take some time to decide my next move. The obvious then hits me in the face. "Of course! Data Drain!" I search through my coding, applications, scripts, and programs, and when I find Data Drain, I try and test it on a nearby rock sprite. APPLICATION LOCKED. Huh? I try another program. APPLICATION LOCKED. Oh no, Mother must of locked all my skills with a fire wall! I then pout againest the rock I was planning to Data Drain, and then I get another idea! If I can find a powerful player to Data Drain for me, Mother's Phases will be taken down! She won't know what hit her!
I smile and search through The Administrator JP Servers and Message Boards for the most powerful and most respected player. I also find several other players on other servers that are quite powerful, but I prefer to quarantine the Phases to this server, people are already falling into comas due to Skeith running wild! I find two players who will suit my purposes perfectly! Balmung and Orca, very well respected and powerful players! Apparently, according to these files in Balmung's folder, CC Corp is planning to make him an Administrator, and those are the last kind of people I want to know about this! I decide on Orca, and begin creating an Installation Book, an item used to edit PC data, with Data Drain within it.
I hear some speaking in the distance, and gasp. "Tomonari! Wait up!" "Oh c'mon, Mai! The Gott Statue room is just up ahead!" Players! Oh no! I have to get out of here before Skeith arrives! I sense Skeith's presence and turns around! NO! He's already here! I turn around and yell to the two players! "Please! Log Out right now!" The two players just stare, but then their faces distort into confusion when we are warped to The Forbidden Feild. The male then speaks.
"Hey, little girl! What are you doing he-AHHH!" "Tomonari! AHH!" NO! he's been Data Drained! This is all my fault! No! I feel my black tears running down my face, but I don't care. I faintly hear the sound of the other player warping out, but I hardly hear it out of the corner of my ears. I run off crying, clutching the Book of Twilight! This is all my fault! I shouldn't of come here! Players are becoming comatose, and it's all my fault. It's all my fault! It's all my fault...
~~~
Yes, I know Seig went comatose after Kite got the Bracelet, but I just wanted to get the Liminality part out of the way. I'm going to use my writer liberties to make some minor changes, so live with it. It's not like anyone liked Seig anyway
I have woken up in Chosen Hopeless Nothingness, and I am grateful that Skeith is nowhere to be found. Apparently, Skeith is some sort of Phase. Yes, that's right. The 8 Phases are algorithm gathering programs for my development, but for some reason, Mother is angry. She has reprogrammed the Phases to hurt me! Why is this happening to me? I decide to activate a script within my programming I discovered upon my awakening, some sort of disquise!
After the new skin has loaded, I switch to a third person camera angle and observe my polygon model. My hair is now groomed, and my eyes are blue. I am also wearing some sort of purple cloak and a silver pendant shaped like the mathematical Infinity symbol. Crude and inefficient, but it will have to do for now! hopefully Mother is looking out for my old skin and won't bother checking screennames and IP addresses. Of course, knowing her, and my luck, my ruse probably won't last long.
I take some time to decide my next move. The obvious then hits me in the face. "Of course! Data Drain!" I search through my coding, applications, scripts, and programs, and when I find Data Drain, I try and test it on a nearby rock sprite. APPLICATION LOCKED. Huh? I try another program. APPLICATION LOCKED. Oh no, Mother must of locked all my skills with a fire wall! I then pout againest the rock I was planning to Data Drain, and then I get another idea! If I can find a powerful player to Data Drain for me, Mother's Phases will be taken down! She won't know what hit her!
I smile and search through The Administrator JP Servers and Message Boards for the most powerful and most respected player. I also find several other players on other servers that are quite powerful, but I prefer to quarantine the Phases to this server, people are already falling into comas due to Skeith running wild! I find two players who will suit my purposes perfectly! Balmung and Orca, very well respected and powerful players! Apparently, according to these files in Balmung's folder, CC Corp is planning to make him an Administrator, and those are the last kind of people I want to know about this! I decide on Orca, and begin creating an Installation Book, an item used to edit PC data, with Data Drain within it.
I hear some speaking in the distance, and gasp. "Tomonari! Wait up!" "Oh c'mon, Mai! The Gott Statue room is just up ahead!" Players! Oh no! I have to get out of here before Skeith arrives! I sense Skeith's presence and turns around! NO! He's already here! I turn around and yell to the two players! "Please! Log Out right now!" The two players just stare, but then their faces distort into confusion when we are warped to The Forbidden Feild. The male then speaks.
"Hey, little girl! What are you doing he-AHHH!" "Tomonari! AHH!" NO! he's been Data Drained! This is all my fault! No! I feel my black tears running down my face, but I don't care. I faintly hear the sound of the other player warping out, but I hardly hear it out of the corner of my ears. I run off crying, clutching the Book of Twilight! This is all my fault! I shouldn't of come here! Players are becoming comatose, and it's all my fault. It's all my fault! It's all my fault...
~~~
Yes, I know Seig went comatose after Kite got the Bracelet, but I just wanted to get the Liminality part out of the way. I'm going to use my writer liberties to make some minor changes, so live with it. It's not like anyone liked Seig anyway
Rectos Dominos
Chapter Three: The Bracelet
I don't know how long I've been running, but I know that if I stop, Skeith will capture me! I have to keep searching. I have to keep searching. I have to keep searching. I eventually find myself in a dungeon, not stopping for monster portals or treasure chests, I can't interact with them anyway. "Hey! Hey you!" I gasp and quickly turn around, spotting a twinblade male in green. I ignore the newbie and continue running! I can't afford to let anymore people get involved.
Unfortunately, a few minutes later, I find myself cornered, and Skeith and I are warped to his battle field. I gasp when I see the newbie from earlier, along with...Orca! I maneuver over to them and pull out the Book of Twilight. "Take it!" I toss the book to Orca, but when the newbie is about to be Data Drained, he takes the blow for him before he can catch it, Skeith pins him and Data Drains him. I gasp. "NO!" I grab the Book before Skeith can take it and my mind is racing. The newbie, Kite! Orca gave up his own life to protect him! Why? Perhaps the newbie is a powerful warrior in disguise?
I toss the Book to Kite and speak to him. "This book can be used for Salvation or Destruction at the will of the user! Use it wisely, I beg you!" I warp him back to Mac Anu, and vanish. I have to keep running, and I can only pray that the boy, Kite, is able to defeat Skeith! ....Mother....
I don't know how long I've been running, but I know that if I stop, Skeith will capture me! I have to keep searching. I have to keep searching. I have to keep searching. I eventually find myself in a dungeon, not stopping for monster portals or treasure chests, I can't interact with them anyway. "Hey! Hey you!" I gasp and quickly turn around, spotting a twinblade male in green. I ignore the newbie and continue running! I can't afford to let anymore people get involved.
Unfortunately, a few minutes later, I find myself cornered, and Skeith and I are warped to his battle field. I gasp when I see the newbie from earlier, along with...Orca! I maneuver over to them and pull out the Book of Twilight. "Take it!" I toss the book to Orca, but when the newbie is about to be Data Drained, he takes the blow for him before he can catch it, Skeith pins him and Data Drains him. I gasp. "NO!" I grab the Book before Skeith can take it and my mind is racing. The newbie, Kite! Orca gave up his own life to protect him! Why? Perhaps the newbie is a powerful warrior in disguise?
I toss the Book to Kite and speak to him. "This book can be used for Salvation or Destruction at the will of the user! Use it wisely, I beg you!" I warp him back to Mac Anu, and vanish. I have to keep running, and I can only pray that the boy, Kite, is able to defeat Skeith! ....Mother....
Rectos Dominos
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thedudewhosadude
- Legend
- Posts: 1462
- Joined: Fri May 02, 2003 8:13 pm
Hm, so it would appear that this fic is a different take in the games? I'm assuming this from Aura's statement of warping Kite to Mac Anu (since he arrived in Net Slum in the games) Just a question, but what'll happen once the end of //Infection comes around?
You're only young once, but you're NEVER too old to be immature.
Well, actually, Dude, I don't really...own the games, so I'm improvising to the best of my ability (these forums are awesome XD) and at Infection, I like to think that Aura's consciousness is still in one peice, but her programs and whatnot are broken amongst her shards so that she can't do anything. if her mind was effected, it would probably count as hurting Aura, and Morganna's programming won't allow her to do that directly like that.
Rectos Dominos
I like to think about it as Aura being 'disabled' ... She can still send e-mails, so she's not dead or deleted or gone, but she cannot interact with PCs or willfully go as she pleases until her fragments are pieced together again..
She's there, as some sort of entity; or, as I said, that's what I like to think.
She's there, as some sort of entity; or, as I said, that's what I like to think.
Chapter Four: Long Division
I've been running again, I don't know when Kite will show up, and why it is taking him so long. I'm just barely staying a step ahead of Skeith. I then find myself in Chosen Hopeless Nothingness, the field where that poor boy went into a coma, and that girl survived, having to live with the fact that her friend might never wake up again.
I feel a wetness on my cheeks, and place my hand on my cheek, withdraw it, and observe. Those black tears again? What do they mean? I do not understand. I then try and get my mind onto other subjects, and muse about how I can run directly from one field to another, while players have to warp. I see Skeith enter the Field, and I hastily send yet another email to Kite, hoping he can decipher it. I haven't been able to meet up with him previously, so obviously Morganna is corrupting my emails.
After a few minutes, roughly thirty, i hear Kite and his party warp in, and recieve a message noting their arrival. The five of us are warped to the Forbidden Field, and I feel myself rise as Skeith pulls out his staff. I try and smile when Kite arrives. "Aura!" I feel those black tears again, one of the only things in the World I truly feel. "I see you have gotten my message, but I'm afraid it is too late." I closed my eyes and prepared myself for Data Drain. "I only wanted to live, to love, to grow...Mommy..." I feel the shifting of my data, and then everything goes black as my data is fractured.
I've been running again, I don't know when Kite will show up, and why it is taking him so long. I'm just barely staying a step ahead of Skeith. I then find myself in Chosen Hopeless Nothingness, the field where that poor boy went into a coma, and that girl survived, having to live with the fact that her friend might never wake up again.
I feel a wetness on my cheeks, and place my hand on my cheek, withdraw it, and observe. Those black tears again? What do they mean? I do not understand. I then try and get my mind onto other subjects, and muse about how I can run directly from one field to another, while players have to warp. I see Skeith enter the Field, and I hastily send yet another email to Kite, hoping he can decipher it. I haven't been able to meet up with him previously, so obviously Morganna is corrupting my emails.
After a few minutes, roughly thirty, i hear Kite and his party warp in, and recieve a message noting their arrival. The five of us are warped to the Forbidden Field, and I feel myself rise as Skeith pulls out his staff. I try and smile when Kite arrives. "Aura!" I feel those black tears again, one of the only things in the World I truly feel. "I see you have gotten my message, but I'm afraid it is too late." I closed my eyes and prepared myself for Data Drain. "I only wanted to live, to love, to grow...Mommy..." I feel the shifting of my data, and then everything goes black as my data is fractured.
Rectos Dominos